Abject chemo misery and despair and returning to life

not even a single spot of light

Am I not nature – a force to be reckoned with?

Who ever believed nature was a toothless hag?

Do I not bleed and does my blood not run warm with the heat of life?

Who dares insult my life, these hands that are a miracle of design, so valued (only for profit) by those who exploit us, where our lives are not.

The insult is so vast it beggars a true expression.

This heart so perfect for kindness and generosity, so built to care and love.

This air rushing in and out of these lungs filling my blood with the breath of life.

My heart pumping the life blood around my body.

Who despises such a miracle? What fool?

My endlessly inquisitive mind is built to learn, it is a vast hungry presence enquiring of life.

From this has come every invention and innovation that has improved the lot of humanity in a vast cooperation throughout the pages of history.

It is impossible to measure the miracles of progress our minds have produced, or how vast the cooperation spanning the nations of the world.

So how is it that the last great age of men is the age of stupid? When nature and our planet demand our care after centuries of carelessness for the very planet we live on and which has given us abundant life.

The response of those in power is to despise us and the planet more and take us closer and closer to the brink in which all life ends.

As the worlds’ sycophants and elites celebrate Jeff Bezos, the richest man in the history of the world, his wealth exceeding $200 billion. [1]

5.6 million children under the age of five died of hunger in 2016. [2]

He could have saved them with loose change.

My entire being rages against such injustice because it is so utterly pointless and meaningless.

5.6 million preventable child deaths, sacrificed for what, exactly?

A man’s ego? Is that it?

Mere indifference?

A shrug of wealth so vast he doesn’t even know what to do with it.

Is that wealth or towering stupidity? The most stupid man alive.

I have just spent three days robbed of hope, energy and care. An inner deadness that challenged me to even go on. I woke one night bathed in my own shit. My body responding to drugs so toxic the efforts to prevent them killing me are the most important part of the process of killing the cancer that has invaded my body and almost wiped me out.

This morning is the first moment that my humanity has been able to express itself in over 72 hours of relentless misery.

I kept going by meticulously cleaning my house and living space with robotic obsession, literally cleaning up shit, holding on for the return of my self. There was nothing else, nothing that meant anything at all. Neither inside me nor out. I dreaded some loving fool telling me to hold on.. as if I didn’t know that… as if I wasn’t holding on like a man drowning in deep water screaming for life with every atom of his being. I had to keep silent to prevent the final moment of despair that would end it. I dared not speak, lest I betray myself into death.

Because even there I knew a thing, learnt over 69 hard years of living, I would return. I would come back. I would reassert myself in life. Because I am a force of nature. A force to be reckoned with.

All I had to do was – hold on. Sit through every grim deathly moment, where seconds lasted hours.

Hold. Nothing else was significant. Nothing at all.

Until life reasserted itself.

Until I came home to myself.

The meticulous acts of living, cleaning to save my own life

KOG. 28 August 2020.

[1] https://www.forbes.com/sites/jonathanponciano/2020/08/26/worlds-richest-billionaire-jeff-bezos-first-200-billion/#11c049b84db7

[2] https://www.worldhunger.org/world-child-hunger-facts/

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