In one of those cruel ironies of life, everyone I can think of to contact is unavailable for various reasons. It’s a synchronicity of a shitty reverse order.
I have never felt more isolated, alone and bereft of the company of others, with signs on every door warning me not to go out.
I have no idea what to do with it, I am shamed by my abject, beggared, need of the merest human contact and kindness.
The sheer negativity of it is mind blowing. Every twist and turn mocks me as I am torn apart by its magnitude.
Writing this is a cringing necessity to place it on the map of cancer, chemo, recovery and necessary isolation that is about saving my life from the killer inside. I thought this morning how brutal chemotherapy is, there’s nothing good or pleasant about it, its purpose is that of a killer. It’s not medicine of the conventional kind which is about helping the body help itself. Without enormous care chemo would take me out too without so much as a, ‘Good day mate!,’ or a, “Fare thee well.’ The chemo is the reason for my isolation, as it has torn my immune system apart.
Two enemies for the price of one, no matter that one of them is about saving my life.
My hair is gone, they’ve taken my teeth out to remove the threat of any infection that could kill me.
I can’t even sleep it off, chemo steals even that.
My body is aching with emotional pain, my guts seething with an agony of loss and loneliness.
I wondered if I’d post this if I wrote it out. Of course I will, it’s as real as any other part of this process. The shame is real, the pain is real, the agony of loneliness is real.
How we suffer in silence, me no less than anyone else. Human need that dare not speak its name. That needs blogging too.
As C S Lewis did in, ‘A Grief Observed’ following the loss of his beloved wife, Joy Davidman.
Every part of us deserves a voice, real life isn’t a fun fair and who has never had a pity party? And this is my enormous one and I don’t doubt that the chemo has played its part in this too.
It’s just a real and present bastard right now and this too must and will run its course.
KOG. 30 August 2020.