My carers and my personal and intimate Chemo Fog rules to keep me alive

True boundaries are sacred and preserve life

My closest Primary Carers are my brother, Terry, and my sister in law, Pam, who live opposite me and have vast experience in the world of drugs and keeping people safe. It becomes a life skill that is never forgotten. Pam asked me if there were any rules I could share with them to make sure I am as safe as possible. Even though this is my first chemotherapy session and experience of Chemo Fog, I had already discovered some vital rules for staying alive.

I share them without explanation, there are already plenty of other post I’ve put up that provide clarification, if any is necessary. I cannot express how grateful I am to them both, they are my shelter in the storm, when it is needed. Heroes both.

The rules – subject to further change in the light further experience

In the fog, I am not here, I have no sense of danger, caution, consequences. I knew I was in the car and in Tesco, but I had no idea what to do to get apples (no idea of the rules) or road consciousness. That’s why being outside my house is so dangerous.

If I say I am safe, I am only saying how I feel in that instant. I was actually safe with Terry in the van, because he is known to me and I trust him, as soon as I got out the van (at the RUH) it was like stepping into a hell of danger. That’s why I must never go out without a chaperone and why, when all this is over, my being safe, is not my call, it’s yours and Terry’s. I’d suggest setting me little tests. Like go to the co op and buy a thing and come home, if I get home without incident, that is a good indication. But the rule must be if I get in trouble, I phone you instantly, or you watch me from a distance.

In the fog, emotions are as physical as things, like a bat and ball, are here

In the house I know where everything is, I have gone to huge lengths to make it safe. Even from the fog I can see it’s safe. It’s my safe haven.

I have a notice up not to spend any money online. Everything I need is here, there is no need to spend anything.

On my outside doors there are signs – Keith mate. Don’t leave the house without a chaperone/companion. Home is safe, stay in, stay alive. Actually, my little walks down the garden and back, and conversations with my neighbours are safe and I know not to go anywhere else, and have no desire to. I just want to be safe with every atom of my being.

When I go in this time I am hoping I’ll remember all the bollocks I got up to and know just to send texts to myself if I want to tell me something.

Twice I felt I’d gone completely ga ga, I even thought, if I tell anyone I’ll be sectioned and that’ll be it. Both times I did what I did in the worst depressions, feel horrible, go to bed.

I know, going in this time that I am going to do other things that I can’t anticipate, like last time, I’ll learn them when I do it/fuck up.

If you text me and I say I’m ok, that’s pretty reliable, and if I say I’m in trouble, I am. I’m not sure I’d know how to lie from the fog. In the fog it makes no sense to lie. Earth rules don’t apply. Earth is a shadow world in which people are head blind to the universe and are able to lie, in the fog I am completely one with the universe.

In the fog I feel sorry for shadow Keith (The me who’s typing this), he’s so blind, like everyone else and all I want to do is protect him.

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