Where did this inner rage come from?
This rage that has dominated my life for nearly every one of my 69 years.
I thought that lurking in my past was something huge,
Something so god awful I ran forever
and never escaped.
Close, close, but it wasn’t one,
It was betrayal built on betrayal,
and I recall now where it began,
A helpless child and a very poorly mother,
Finding himself, with his older brother,
in a children’s home with not a moments warning,
His entire life disappeared in a moment
and no clue as to why or for how long
The cruelty began immediately
no rhyme or reason
A rage that the staff directed at the newcomers
a rage that found vent in mindless cruelty,
A child never consulted
without his permission
prisoner of bastards
Such that we swore one day,
to return and burn the place to the ground
and eradicate those who set the goats on me,
for wetting the bed in my terror
And so it began
returning home restored to our mother
Like breathing again after holding our breath for so long.
Next came school, at 5 I was already a story writer
pieces in the infant school magazine.
So why Miss Crabb did you drive the words from my tiny frame?
teach me to fear your mean minded, pointless spite
killed my writing
We later learnt that, without our father, locked in an asylum
so ill with schizophrenia he didn’t even know his own name
We became pariahs, bastards in all but reality
victims of brutal animals of post Victorian ignorance
It continued into junior school
Mr Ryan who flew into blinding rages
Throwing my books about the class
“What is this BOY?
Willy nilly, slip shod, do it again,
do it again!”
To similar accolades
11 years of school
a prisoner of a system of ignorance.
Without our consent
11 years of betrayal
11 years to break us for the factory
taught that that was all we were worth
11 years to break the minds of precious children
to becomes economic slaves for life
Betrayal every day year in year out.
until betrayal fired the killing rage as I grew older
and it grew ever harder to contain
so I buried it
and mostly I was safe.
unless someone betrayed me
went behind my back
attempted to manipulate me for their own ends
then the rage rose
the killer left the haven of forgetfulness
Eyes like granite, killer eyes
heart like adamant, one desire
All these long years I have fought the beast that lurks
until after nearly dying, I saw again
and wept for the joy of that dear small boy who grew to be me
How immeasurably strong he was
Unimaginable to my adult eyes heart and and mind
and I loved him, broke for him
held him properly for the first time
you dear child, you’re safe now
we are home together
alive at last
For a new journey
a miraculous second chance
side by side
alive with joy
happy and together at last
when I, the man, least expected it
I am grateful beyond words
A life restored by love