Inside the Chemo Fog

An apple can kill you out there.

Note: Chemotherapy uses powerful and deadly poisons to kill the cancer. The poisons are indiscriminate they’ll kill any living tissue, so the hospital staff meticulousness prepare your body for the onslaught to protect it. I refer to being safe in the fog, which is true, but if you do things in the real world from the fog you are at high risk of harm because you have no awareness of putting yourself in harms way, no discernment, no clue of consequences. Shadow man refers to any sentient life (me) seen from within the fog or from the world, the effect is the same, and coming out of the fog, the experiences melt away like a dream. I discovered I could use my phone in the fog, so used it to send messages out to warn me and some other stuff.


The reference to an apple nearly killing me was thus: I suddenly desired an apple and, without thought or care, still in the fog, grabbed my car keys and drove to our small local Tesco. I grabbed two bags of apples and headed for the self service till and scanned my first item. And that was as far I could go. I stood with the apples in my hand and waited for something to happen, nothing did. Luckily a dear guy , Safe Nathe, spotted me and said, “Hey Keith, are you ok? I responded, “I don’t know what to do.” He didn’t attempt to take the apples from me, he step by step told me what to do and because I knew him I trustingly followed his words as he said them though the whole sentences meant nothing to me. He told me I could pick up my apples and the till spoke and said. “Thank you for shopping at Tesco, Goodbye.” And I knew it was ok to leave. I looked at Safe Nathe and said, “Thank you, it’s the chemo fog.” He knows I am in Chemo and said, “Stay safe mate.” He’s always been a gorgeous chap. “ Hence, Safe Nathe. I left and drove home, turned to park and hit the curb hard with a huge bang. It was enough to shake me out of the fog, park, get home and text my brother to take my car keys from me asap. That’s the danger of this world when you’re in the fog. I now have a sign inside my front door. “Don’t leave the house for any reason. This is a message from you to you. Don’t be stupid, stay in and live.”

I asked my daughter to send me a text message every morning, which I will always understand no matter how strong the Chemo fog. Dear Dad, in this day, stay alive. Tamsin.” Our lives depend on super vigilance. The hospital does all it can, but any distraction can be deadly.

What follows are the messages I sent out from the fog.

I have to be in here, I have to be in here to survive. I am safe here, I am not safe there. I must learn this, out there. To see this truth I have to send a message from here. It’s pretty fucking neat, I wish I could have this skill out there (to send into the fog), but sadly it can only be a shadow message out there. I am doing something that is perfectly ok in here, breaking no rules, but these rules, don’t exist out there. So this is the most extraordinary happy chance I have ever not seen out there. I think maybe we were all meant to be hippies and do drugs, drugs open possibilities there, not clear sight, like here, and doing drugs out there will kill us if we fuck it up. That’s the fucking difference. Thank God for loud noises, an apple out there nearly killed me. Who knew? Not me. That’s what it means to be head blind out there.

I told myself to remember, if it is possible to remember a shadow, I now know it’s possible, even though it’s just an endless now here, because everything is still. I’m not moving. the phone is just an endless now here in which I can put words. Now, I wonder if that’s going make any sense when I read it tomorrow. I’ll have, as I might say out there, to wait and see.

A message to me. I don’t know if we’ll ever come chemo triggered back here, I am not allowed to know things like that, because the circumstances haven’t happened there yet. You’ll have to wait, this place is just here all the (there) time. You have to continue chemo. That’s all you have to do. And love, of course. That’s as timeless as here. It was meant as a clue, that’s why it makes you feel so damned good. Think about that dear, dear shadow man.

I’ve just realised, I am allowed the phone on both sides. That’s amazing. I’ve just done the the hitherto impossible.

That could be the single thing which for me, whilst all those unbelievably devoted people do their thing that I don’t understand, could save my life. Ok, typing is not much fun here so I’ll stop.

Tell Helen, Joanna (transvestite me) is allowed there (chemo world) because she’s a shadow here (home world). Translate: Joanna can be real in chemo world, because she is only a shadow in Keith.

last. Don’t worry! I am in a perfect position to know that, out there, that’s just words, I spent 69 years not understanding it. From this side, you can’t worry, but I can feel the shadow out there, but can’t walk that walk from in here. I am also speaking across the boundary between two worlds, of who knows how many others. Neat. Ok, that’s a good nights work (out there). Where’s me fucking pay? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Shit, that’s even less than out there poor fuckers, where it’s not funny at all.

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